Beating myself up at the beginning of a project is typical. I stayed up late the other night working to finish the outline for my first novel. It’s a story I have kept in my head for well over a year. Tweaks in small and big portions have already been plaguing me. There are some strong areas that feel amazing and I can’t wait to lay the chapters down. Then there are some disgusting areas that make me want to crawl in a hole and bury myself. No one will read this! These words echo in my head.
It is typical for me to look for others for approval. I am trying to turn the corner and be my own cheerleader but it’s exhausting. I don’t give up because something is hard, though I do give up if something drives fear into me. That’s how I avoid anxiety and stress triggers. Avoidance. I know this is unhealthy and I am working on this.
“That’s interesting.” A comment that is so neutral it confuses me. A comment I have gotten from people I love and look to for encouragement. Sometimes I think a comment that cuts deep would allow a better healing process than no comment at all.
I resolve to recognize that this is my first draft and I am willing to have a second and a third, and a forth, and so on and so on until it’s good. Someone will like it. One person. When one person likes it that will mean I am a success. Even if that one person is me.