Sometimes I wonder if I am the only person who can’t trust a good situation. I search for the other shoe to drop. I used to describe my life to people as if it were a deck of cards, with all the cards tossed in the air, sailing in different directions. It would be a wonder where they landed, though often it seemed these cards were suspended in air permanently. How could that be possible? Something always shifting and changing. Nothing seemed nailed down.
When I was younger, I didn’t mind this so much, or at least that’s what I told myself. The next day would bring a new challenge, or it’d be a piece of cake or maybe wholly uneventful. As I became older though I fixated on knowing what the future would hold. I wanted everything secured. Every little card that was suspended in midair, I tried to pluck down and secure in place. Surprises and being put on the spot terrified me. This turned into unhealthy attachment to striving for control and balance.
I read recently that anxiety is when your body pumps you full of adrenaline when responding to everyday situations. Anxiety does this to us because it thinks we need to initiate our fight or flight response, when in fact we need to just cross the street, or stand in a long line, or brave a busy elevator. I’m still reading this book, which was free on Kindle, and I’m finding it interesting, it’s called Badass Ways to End Anxiety & Stop Panic Attacks. Honestly, I almost didn’t download it because I’ve been feeling pretty amazing these last few months. I feel in charge of my life, even with three little kids running around all summer and almost zero time to myself. I’m happy and at peace with a lot of things from the past that I haven’t been at peace with before. Things are good.
That being said, I don’t trust that this is my forever new realm. I teeter back and forth, though I know some things are behind me and no longer have a place in my life. For example, you may have noticed I started to blog about my past infertility struggles. Now that we no longer want to get pregnant, a lot of this old pain can be released. It’s not a light switch though, I can’t just turn it on and off at will.
I don’t trust happiness sometimes, most times maybe. Though when I am in a happy state, I try to breathe it in, rub my nose in it, and smile until it hurts. So, that’s what I’m going to do right now.